Can't Buy Me G-d
ReadyMade's interfaith gift guide
by Adam David Cole
Is it just me, or is everyone a Nazi around the holidays? As a Jew, perhaps I lack the gene for holiday cheer (is that what they cut out during the bris?). Maybe it's my David and Goliath complex that makes me a little paranoid. Whatever the reason, buying gifts is like trying to gain entrance to a golf course in Georgia. Roaming the aisles for meaningful trinkets, I feel the grip of Father Christmas tighten around my withering Jewish soul; I'm certain that the cheery carol blaring at Macy's is actually the Muzak version of "Deutschland �ber Alles." When I buy a menorah for my grandmother, I'm convinced that the clerk gift wraps it in the colors of the Palestinian flag. (Not to mention the fact that the red-nosed reindeer emblazoned across her sweater looks more Adolf than Rudolph.) Even for those who don't suffer from my delusions, the gift-buying process can induce panic, especially when you've got a harem of multi-religioned friends to shop for. To guide you through the whole ordeal, I've assembled this faith-based list of suggestions.
Atheists
What to give: Boston Red Sox season tickets. In 2004 the Sox beat the New York Yankees and won their first World Series in 86 years. Tickets to the Red Sox might turn your heretical friends into believers.
What not to give: Chicago Cubs tickets. The Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908 and haven't made it into the series since 1945. A season of watching the Flubs�er, Cubs�might convince atheists that even the World Series doesn't truly exist.
Christians
What to give: Testament graphic novel. The Holy Bible is a tome that doesn't exactly make for light reading. The cartoon version keeps the pace moving and wins you supreme literary cred with Baptists.
What not to give: Von Dutch trucker hat; Juicy Couture sweatsuit; Ugg boots. When one accepts Christ, the church offers to absolve all sin. Federline-n-Spears fashion, however, is thoroughly unforgivable.
Jews
What to give: A life vest. In the Jewish faith, nothing's sexier than safety. Throw in some plastic floaties and you'll win major mensch points with your pal's family.
What not to give: Eiffel Tower statuette. We Jews wouldn't know what to do with an item sold by a vendor thousands of miles away. What if we need to exchange it?
Mormons
What to give: Girls Gone Wild Co-ed Tryouts. Just because Mormons don't drink, do drugs, or consume caffeine doesn't mean they won't enjoy this fine piece of classic cinema, starring chi-chi-flashing freshmen.
What not to give: Victoria's Secret Sexy V-Neck Racerback Tank. Sure, they'll watch girls stripping off their bras for the camera, but the Mormons' undergarment of choice is a union suit�style white cotton number. Victoria's curve-enhancing tanks are definitely not church-sanctioned.
Muslims
What to give: Two-in-one prayer/yoga mat. Help your Muslim friends align their chakras in the direction of Mecca with this convenient dual-purpose floor pad.
What not to give: A holiday ham. The only pork product allowed in the Muslim world these days is a Halliburton contract.
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