If life is a bitch...

...then when's the high quality make up sex gonna get here?

Although I doubt that life would let me stick it to it like it does to us... I do think that the fight has ended in a way.

This isn't to say that I gave up or anything like that but a number of truths have finally been accepted by me and now I feel that it's important to do everything I can to take these truths down to myth town.

1. I am depressed.
2. My relationship with my best friend and wife is strained.
3. I am distant from everyone I know because I am afraid of who I think I am.
4. Accepting that there is something wrong with me is the hardest thing ever.

My family has always been one that kept it's secrets. We never mentioned things like mental health or depression or even problems in marriage for that matter. My parents were always happy and together. Looking back I see that my parents have a distant relationship and they were always at arms length of one another. However, that said they are also very close and know more about one another than I do with Kate.

No one in my family has ever been depressed. Except my mom after a number of miscarriages before I was born and some post-partum depression after both me and my brother. Other than these instances everyone has been hunky-dory. I call bullshit.

My brother went through a long period of time where he was obviously having troubles and the whole family went through counselling that got us somewhere. I think I blocked this memeory... I used to throw up when we went to these sessions...

Speaking of blocking memories. I realize regularily that my memories of my childhood are very limited.... I can't remember events or details. I have trouble thinking about how my upbringing went along and what sort of things I was involved in.

For example. I know I was in soccer.... I don't remember anything about it though. I know I was in track and field.. nothing. I know I was in cubs and went to camps and such but I don't remember anything about it.... It feels like I am missing something, something important and something that I should have full memory of.

I wonder if other people have this problem or if something happened and I am blocking this. Also I have had several (3 or 4) large blows to my head that have knocked me unconscience in the past. I got hit in the back of the head with a dumpster lid (age 23). I fell down the stairs while moving in to my new house and was out for 45mins (age 27). I fell off my bike and had a concussion when I was somewhere near 10? So maybe these things have something to do with it?

Anyway, lately I have been really down in the dumps and my relationships all over have suffered for it. My family and my friends have been treated poorly by me for no reason and I have let people down in excess while doing everything in my power to please other that mean nothing to me or my life.

I have bad feelings about my self and how I see myself in this world. Negative dark issues with myself that affect how I deal with other becasue of how I think they see me. I know that I am projecting the opinions of myself on to others and that most of the time it's not how I am viewed but.....

Anyway, bordering on the longest entry I have ever made, I need to get some work done... so till later.... watch the indian version of THRILLER....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbvP7dT3Dx0&mode=related&search=

habberkazabber

So much stuff going on. Big network project at work that has me wrapped up in wiring and designing and troubleshooting... lots of fun though... better than sitting at desks.

Sebastian just got a new haircut and looks really cute but he also looks really different. To look at him you need to focus to know he's Sebastian.... he's no longer the mop topped kid. Looking at him right now while I scratch my head I realize I also need a haircut.



We just got Sebastian a bowling set and a Doctors kit. The Doctor kit has most of the same stuff as mine did when I was a kid. Lots of fun there. Now I just need to wait till he starts trying to fix Kate and I.

Anyway I am going to go make some coffee.

I've had these forever but never knew what to do with them.

So.....

A big ass rock.

And this is what they gave me....